How learning to Let Go taught me Forgiveness and Gratitude

David Ghyiyam said..."The more you try to control something, the farther away it gets from you...

When you feel like you are in control, you feel powerful

But Spiritually it is an illusion, the need to control comes from Fear

A fear that the creator will not deliver WHAT I NEED

But here's the truth- letting go of control is where your true power lies

why is that? because control is rooted in doubt, and doubt blocks the flow of miracles

The more you try to control something, the more resistance you will feel and the more pushback you will get from the Universe

Letting go isn't about giving up but opening the door for the creator to guide you towards something greater than you can imagine

When you release control you invite the energy of certainty

Certainty that the creator's plan is always better than yours

Certainty that even challenges are designed for your growth

Let go of control and trust the process

The less you hold on the more you make room for miracles..."

How do I let go? I was stuck at this point for a long long time. I didn't know how to let go. The weight of holding on was killing me inside. There was so much that I had to let go of - A mound of resentments that I had build over the years. Learning to Let Go starting with the death of my parents was one of the toughest one. I feel like I am doing a course here. Earth is my school and Life is my teacher. The lessons are slowly revealing themselves to me. Lesson number 1- Learn how to "Let Go"- Let go of everything you knew| Let go of expectations| Let go of control |Let go of who you think you are| Let go of people| Let go of things|. I was doing the opposite all this time coz I loved control! Take control of everything- how people viewed me, how was I perceived, the judgment of people mattered so much and these are just the few examples of a control freak like me. But Oh boy! This tough lesson of "Letting Go" was hard because I was operating from lack. In my little mind I thought I never had ANYTHING in life, I had to starve for love, attention, affection and now I need to let go? Like seriously! Then, boom my parents die! I was like I was not done with them, how can they leave me so soon??. I didn't even want to grief because I was not convinced and I was so mad at myself, I pushed away feeling vulnerable. I showed no emotions and harden my heart even more. I said to myself I'm gonna armour up, I didn't let them go from my heart, I held on, I blamed myself in silence, I guilt tripped myself that I couldn't be there with them during those last moments to say goodbye and most importantly I didn't get a chance to say what I wanted to say all my life from the time I was a little girl.  I was so superficial on the outside pretending to be fine but inside I coiled back into that sad little girl who felt a void and lonely because she was longing for her mom and dad's love and she hoped they will see her, love her and embrace her, deep down she was still waiting on this relationship to come true). I mean you don't prepare for such events in your life right? Who would have known? . You realise you have no control over death, Nobody wants to go that path and think or prepare for such events. I never sat and thought about it. We always take life for granted and think we are immortal and we have so much time like forever. Just six months after my mom had left my dad decided to leave too. It was like swallowing a stone. On one side I was dealing with my mom's illness then death, then dad's death, grief, suppressed emotions and on the other side there was birth the beginning of a new chapter in my life- just got married, just got two kids- I was dealing with death and birth at the same time. I felt like I was thrown into this new phase where I had to hold space for these emotions grief and joy but I didn't know how to. I was not ready, I was not aware, I was not prepared, all I knew was push it under the rug, be indifferent. I knew I was not giving my new life what they needed I was overwhelmed inside and I thought I should be happy right I can't sink in this grief now because my new life is waiting on me to show up. But I failed to do so. Failed miserably! I showed up like the nightmare of their lives. It was not their fault that I am feeling that way. I dragged them through hell and emotionally abandoned them. The need to control every god damn thing was so driven in me that letting go meant losing everything again and again. I thought controlling emotions, situations, circumstances, outcome, people is the only way to feel safe. Years went by and I had not let go of control nor accepted the reality and the truth. The need to control spilled into the next big factor of my life which is my marriage. The fear of facing myself with the truth that my marriage was showing me I was - was so unbearable. Fear was riding my life. 

2024- when I finally had to heal and look at those wounds that I have self inflicted I accepted that yes the death of my parents was the toughest thing that I had to let go but it also became the unexpected teacher that taught me the greatest lesson of letting go and forgiveness. One beautiful experience that I ignored at the time when I was sulking in negative emotions right after their death was- they tried communicating to me in my dreams multiple times, they showed me that they were reunited and together, they were in a peaceful place telling me that they are at peace. At, that time I chose to push those subtle signs and communications away under the rug because I chose to live in victimhood. After doing the healing work and making peace I finally knew what that means and I am at peace that they are in a better place together like I always wanted to see them. As I went deeper into my healing journey I also learnt that holding on to those old grudges, resentment and silent judgments was keeping myself stuck to the past. I couldn't change what happened and I could't change who they were but I have the power to change how I carried it all in my heart. I choose to hold them with compassion and love.

I learnt that letting go wasn't just about letting go of my parents and the pain I felt but also about releasing the expectations I had placed on them and on myself. I expected them to be perfect and love me in the ways I understood, to fulfil the roles I had create for them in my mind. I had to let go of the idea of what I thought they should have been and accept them for who they were. Flawed and imperfect just like me. Even though they were my parents in the physical form, they are a soul having to learn their own lessons and they are here on their unique journey of discovering themselves. 

In that space of ACCEPTANCE, I began learn forgiveness and gratitude.  I had to forgive them for the times they failed to see me, for the things left unsaid for holding on to so much bitterness but most importantly I had to forgive myself which wasn't easy. You know, as I sat everyday meditating and connecting to my wounded inner child asking for guidance and wanting to work on healing those wounds I sat with forgiveness and really feeling it to the depth of my core. I discovered the antidote to forgiveness is gratitude, God/the source/Universe call it whatever! showed me that Gratitude is so powerful. It so hard to forgive yourself and others- its like a one way street. How do we forget and forgive. But forgiveness is for yourself, nothing to do with the other, its releasing the tension like releasing one end of the string, you don't hold on anymore, you let go. When I surrendered and started letting go of all those strings I have been holding on, a new path showed up, a path covered by the fog -The path of Gratitude. It's such a powerful feeling. To be grateful for their dysfunctions and have compassion for it requires courage.  Today, I say that the greatest gift from my parents was their dysfunction, because this led me to taste the nectar of powerful forces of life such as compassion, forgiveness, love, joy, peace. I wept like a river, not only flowing from my eyes but my heart and soul as if this flow of gratitude was washing away and taking away everything I had held on to- towards myself, my parents, my husband, relationships, my past and cleansed me with fresh spring water that will never run out, the taste of that spring water is like the sweetest nectar that quenches your soul. All this while- I wasn't aware that I was swimming in the murky dirty polluted water of my own creation.

So, imagine carrying the weight of resentments until the last day of your life and couldn't let go! couldn't forgive! I'd just like to say that the other side of the bridge of resentment is freedom and liberation. When will you drop the weight and cross the bridge to taste sweet nectar called freedom and liberation??