Our Relationship are Mirrors

They say- You can only learn A LOT about yourself when you are in a relationship!! Because relationships are your mirrors!!.

I realised this to be true when I reached a point in my life where I have hit the wall and there's no where else to run or hide. All the facade is faded, I have ran out of the masks, I have ran out of tactics and strategies. There's no escape, there's no where else to run from myself. I am standing there bare and facing my own epic colossal downfall (the downfall of my false self created identity called My Ego). Nothing was working! It was time to face the truth, to confront my shadow, to look at the mirror, which my relationships have been showing me all my life. It took a long time to accept the truth i.e it's not THE OTHER but ME. It's not my husband, my children, my family, my friends, the people, the places, the situations, the circumstances, the job it's not anybody but ME. Nobody else to blame but ME.. I never took the responsibility and the accountability THAT I was creating and co-creating everything in my life. In fact I was the creator of every single reality in my life. I attracted manifested and created the very reality I chose to live or not choose to live in my life. Now, how do I know this? Well it's a long spiralling back to the same old place kinda story until you learn the freaking lesson! (the lesson being Let go of this false identity!). 

Age 33, the infrastructure of my life was falling apart every aspect was crumbling into pieces from my marriage, my job, my relationship with my children and so on. How wouldn't it! Everything was built on FEAR, everything started with FEAR (Fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of judgement, fear of never being good enough, fear of losing people, fear of shame fear this fear of that) and my ego was like just wear the mask like you always do. My husband used to ask me why am I so different inside the house and so pleasing and fake outside the house. I didn't have an answer!. I was so unauthentic. Nobody ever asked me this question no wonder it became my default personality which was not aligned with my emotions my thoughts and my actions. I was being that hollow on the inside person just to be accepted by all but THEN comes the climax of my life- "the intimate relationships" that I was dying for not realising that it will mirror your ugliest darkest sides which nobody can see except the person living closest to you day in and day out. I failed multiple times to see that my husband and my children were a blessing in disguise showing up in the form of relationships in my life because they were my greatest teachers who taught me to be myself even if you're rejected for being yourself. That was my greatest fear- the fear of rejection. They were actually doing me a favour by holding the mirror to the wounded and hidden and dark parts of me that I denied to see. In this process I put them through a lot of pain too. I couldn't change I stayed the same. The same pattern the same behaviour. The same ego the same denial. I was just holding on to something which was so unachievable, the opposite of the very reality I was living. I don't know what was I so afraid of? Why is the image of how I should be perceived so important? Why can't I let go and allow people to see me just as I am - ugly, angry, sad, messy and vulnerable. Why do I need to wear the mask of a clown throwing fake smiles while inside I was feeling totally the opposite. Little did I know that this was the beginning of my awakening to the truth of who I am meant to be and let go of the old conditioned self. As this inner storm was consuming me inside I said to myself that I just wanna die (I meant this false image I was holding on to). A thought came to my mind when I asked what would happen if everybody knew who I was? what would happen?.

I was willing to face the thing that feared me the most this time (other people's judgment). I was willing to accept that I am not perfect and my life is not perfect. Nothing is perfect.  I quit my job on the spot and I didn't care what's gonna happen if they judged me I was ready to tell the truth that I am failing and failing miserably on all levels and I can't keep up this facade any longer. I have to go and do the real work which I have been pushing away for decades. I faced my fear of judgment for the first time and did the opposite- because people's judgement and perception of me outside the house used to matter so much. Then it was time to look closely and cleaning the junk internally through the real work - the inner healing, inner child healing, divine healing, spiritual healing, meditation, breath work, deconstructing my beliefs, bringing awareness to my conditioning, stepping out of auto pilot mode, tons and tons of shadow work(this was the hardest and the scariest!), healing my traumas etc etc the list goes on. Basically going within coz there is something inside of you that's waiting to be found. We never want to go within becoz we think there's nothing inside! the external world is so much more enchanting and we think that's the goal we all wanna get there coz the treasure lies out there. Deep down we all subtly know this but we ignore because we were not taught in schools, most of our parents were unconscious. We care so much about the 3D world, the money, the external validation, the looks, the status, the car, the bungalow, the dress, the glam the sham, the glitter, the materialistic things all that seems so important. Everybody seems to be running in that direction. I did too until until I woke up and saw they were all fleeting happiness which fades away after the initial glitter is gone. They were just keeping me away for sometime from facing the truth. After you wake up to the truth you cant go to sleep again. 

Today I am so thankful and grateful to my husband and my children who came into my life in the form of relationships to teach me the lessons I would have never learnt in this lifetime alone. Because of them I had the courage to take that one small step that led to many steps and I never stopped after that. I am now willing to walk a new path that is unknown but built on truth, on unwavering faith in the creator/the source to guide me. I still regress back and forth to the old patterns and behaviours at times, it will take sometime to stay grounded on this new path as I deconstruct my life, my old beliefs, my conditioning and build my new of life based on my truth my values, my principles, my priorities, my boundaries which I never had. 

I was initially still looking for help outside of myself such as this therapy and that therapy forgetting that the answer lies within. I was trying to avoid sitting with myself, observing myself but at the end of it I realised that no one can pull you out of the drowning water if you're not willing to step out of it coz you still like staying there drowning seeking attention. I also kept falling into the trap of still seeking answers outside which is like bypassing the work that I should be doing, getting answers doesn't heal anything. It's like wearing another badge of spiritual ego or religious ego thinking that you know everything now and you have all the answers. I am not fooling anyone but myself another trick of the Ego. I can now see that I am constantly being drawn to the present moment and tested by my relationships whether I react from old wounds or respond with awareness coz in awareness you realise that your husband or children has nothing to do with that wound of yours they are just triggers without the ammunition coz I carry the ammunition. They are empty triggers to see if you are going to react, blame, shame, deny, deflect OR respond from a healed place of wholeness, respect and love coz they didn't cause that wound. 

But I must say that my relationships has been the corner stone for my growth and healing. My relationship with husband and my children has been the most important chapter in my life's story because they have not just been a witness to my healing but they been a part of it, I will be FOREVER AND EVER  be grateful to them as I couldn't  reciprocate a fraction of what they have done for me. 

On another note talking about another aspect of relationships I thought about real and deep meaningful relationships/connections where I struggle THE most... what they mean to me... My husband used to tell me that I don't have any real and deep connections or relationship with anyone even with him and the kids. I kept wondering..I asked myself...What does real and deep connections mean?  and the starting point for everyone is  "Your relationship with your parents" I thought - did I have a real deep connection with my parents.. 

Yes I had! BUT, the question is.. was it a connection that I honoured, loved, cherished and kept it close to my heart??. Two answers to this question- YES and NO...

To begin with, I don't have many profound memories of a loving connection at home. Although when I look back at my old childhood pictures I do see that they held me and cared for me when I was a little child, I was too young to even remember.

I believe I have a deep deep connection with my mother and father and I would say it's undeniable because in truth we are all interconnected on a deeper level, it's in our DNA, I carry the memory of each of my parents in my cells.  I was conceived in my mothers womb came through her.  We are connected to a cellular level. We all belong to that one vast ocean of consciousness right !! BUT speaking of emotional and physical connection that makes one felt loved, nourished, accepted and heard and seen was absent.

Connections and relationships are something we all have from the time we came to this world..Its the foundation from where it all starts but the BIG question is How were these relationships? Were they positive or negative, nurturing nourishing or depriving?

I didn't get a chance to experience the positive as much as the negative. Every living day of my life from birth was me building a relationship with my parents, siblings, relatives, friends and environment etc but it was revolving around fear, lack, guilt, shame, despair, resentment, not good enough thoughts, unconscious living, lack of awareness. I remember I always wanted love and connection from my mom and dad together.. every child wants and needs that.

However, this was the soil on which I (the seed) was planted. This seed grew little by little each day with what was watered.(eg fear, doubt, violence, rage, anger, chaos, lack and so on mostly negative energies) Through my relationship with them I inherited and absorbed all of those traits.

I am not going back to the past to blame my parents coz I have accepted and made peace and let go that I can't change anything about the past and it was never their fault at all. Their dysfunction was in fact the GREATEST GIFT to me because now through it I have learned forgiveness, acceptance, gratitude, compassion. I wouldn't have become the person that I am today without them. Just like I said, that we are all reflections of each other, I was their reflection. (oh both the good and bad).They were unconscious just as I am. The past for me now is something that I can learn from and not repeat the pattern. Not trying to dwell there as a victim hoping that someone will have pity on me that someone has to come save and rescue me. Oh no!! been there for a long long time not anymore. I released myself. I didn't know I held the key. I learned that anything that a person or a relationship shows up for me now does not require my emotional reaction as was the case before and was my default mode, but RATHER requires a good look inside of me and ask myself what is it inside of me that is still hiding in the darkness and needs light? What is still not healed inside me and what is he/she trying to teach me? because our TRIGGERS are our TREASURES!!.