Embracing my Shadow

CG Jung said..

"There's no coming to consciousness without pain.

People will do anything, no matter how absurd, 

in order to avoid facing their own SOUL. 

One does not become enlightened by imagining 

figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious"

The darkness had been my go to place for all my life as far as I can remember. I thought- this is all there is, a familiar place. They say that until the age of 7, we are pure consciousness after which ego hijacks. I began to feel the presence of this darkness within me since I was a little child not sure of the exact age but probably after I became aware of the world and myself. I tried to run away from this darkness all my life until one day I had to sit with it, face it, confront it, embrace it and integrate it. 

It started with a long month filled with intense fear, inner turmoil and unrest, (but for the record this was not something new!. I have always been feeling these emotions since I was a kid, all my life, they were the driving force but this time it was different). I didn't understand why was I missing home so much. I mean I did not have a very deep connected bonding relationship with my family. Like why home?

It was May 2024, I went home anyways as it was my kids' summer break. When I reached there I felt so disconnected from everyone and everything. I was feeling like a zombie coz I couldn’t sleep neither day or night. The nights felt like I just wanted to release something from my heart, a heaviness was lingering inside me. Also strangely my mind wasn't doing the usual victim story anymore.  However, in the midst of those sleepless nights a strange awareness rose within me, as if I had been asleep all along and now I feel like I was stepping outside of myself, observing myself and everyone around. I never used to be like this before, I used to be the over stimulated autopilot Gaby running on adrenalin and cortisol all day long and taking on the weight of the world on herself. 

Before leaving for my vacation, my marriage had already reached a breaking point and we were barely holding on. My husband was done and exhausted by my ongoing emotional distance from him and our children. A lot of unresolved issues were also resurfacing within me, but I tried to suppress them as usual like pushing a plastic ball under water. I knew I had caused pain in my marriage and for my children through my emotional distance.  Amid all of this, I longed for home, I don't know why! I thought that going home this time would enable me to reconnect with my family but when I arrived, I realized I still felt the same—nothing had changed.

But I felt a subtle shift during those silent nights. I began to feel an inner awareness, a powerful voice inside me saying, "open up your heart."I felt as though I was feeling everything so deeply. Strange thing! I thought.. I never allow myself to sink into vulnerability and feel so deeply. I always kept it on the surface. It was 13th May, which also happened to be my dad's death anniversary, I ruminated over the thoughts of my father, I happened to know his childhood trauma stories from his cousin brother which made me cry so deeply I never felt like that before. I broke down. Following that day on the same date that my dad passed away one of my favourite uncle had just passed away too so suddenly that I couldn't hold all of that overwhelming emotion inside of me. I used to like him a lot. I thought about him too and I broke down again. I never used to be this way, why am I feeling so soft and fragile inside as if I am melting away into sadness. Now, I didn’t fully understand what phase am I on now! because I had given up on myself and I was done saying "Oh yeah ! I got it! I learnt the lesson - whenever I go through a crisis but my patterns are still the same. I have done this endless countless times and I 'm still the same freaking person. 

I felt a deep shift inside me when I returned from my vacation. I began to feel comfortable with this silence and peace inside.  One night, as I was putting the kids to bed I lay next to them and I felt very peaceful again I asked this question internally "What is love really? ". "I wanna feel that"I said. This was the first time I had asked this question looking inside as if I was talking to God, I felt as if something was listening to me. I asked this question from my heart. At that point, I had no experience with meditation, spirituality, not following religion religiously. I had no knowledge or idea about these subjects but just pure openness to know the truth, I was simply in a place of humility and surrender.

As I was lying there I kinda felt a blankness in my mind without thought for a while, I felt drifted to a blank dark space I was shown or I might say I began to see roots of a tree beneath the ground like a web that was interconnected and vast. I can't explain the vastness something that looked like neurons of the brain but a huge web, I stayed in that state for quite sometime. I was afraid initially, because to sit in absolute surrender and not knowing what will come is scary, coz we are so habituated of running from the unknown of the present moment. To face anything that arises that is unfamiliar scares the shit out of us. We were not trained for that. We are so afraid to accept if my darkest deepest fear arises! how will I face it!. But I don't know where did that courage come from to embrace the darkness, the peace I felt at the background was so nice I liked it for the first time. I was willing to sit longer and wanted to sit longer.

When I opened my eyes I was confused at first, not understanding how this image is connected to my question about love.  But I didn't give it much thought I moved on with my usual chore. The next morning, I would usually sit with my cup of tea and stare out of the window. I began to love those quiet and slow mornings. In the midst of this I felt an inner peace and presence again I just closed my eyes as I felt really peaceful, after a while I drifted again to that same state of no thought and I began to see darkness I saw myself sitting in a dark room with my head bowed down on my knees as if I was stuck and sitting there for a long time, I saw myself as a sad little girl sitting in the dark, then I stood up and approached a large door which was right next to me and opened it, AND what I experienced was euphoric, I was flooded by a warm, golden light. I walked towards that light so surprised saying to myself the door was right there!Why didn't I open it? I never knew there was light behind that door. I was embraced by that light. I saw the light in the form of a being bigger than me lifted me and hugged me and spinned me around. I asked, "Is this home? Is this what love is?" The light surrounded me, engulfing me and radiated from within me. I could see this light around me and inside of me. I started weeping because I was filled with overflowing joy, gratitude, love and peace as if I had found home. I found love, peace, joy and came to know where I belong. I had discovered my light, my true self, my home. 

That experience has stayed with me ever since. I felt like I merged with the light. I did not expect, prepare and plan this. You know, you can read and understand and gain knowledge about all of this through out your life but the point is- until and unless you haven't let go of the idea that you think you know everything, the idea that you know and understand what God is, well you can't. You're blocking yourself. You have to be like a child- totally surrendered to the unknown and have unwavering faith. The feeling that I met my true self and was embraced by it was so profound because later, I learned that this phase was called the "dark night of the soul." what was so profound about this journey was the experience came first and the understanding came later, but by then I wasn't even looking for an explanation to this experience I didn't feel the need to look for an answer. Since then synchronicities began to show as confirmations to my experience. I came to discover that my intuition was the voice of my soul. The silent whisper was always nudging me. It's a really beautiful feeling when the experience comes first and the underlying meaning comes later because knowledge can help us understand certain concepts but its the raw unexpected experience that confirms us to the depth of that wisdom. 

I'd say that my dark night of the soul came unexpectedly. It came as a strong feeling of disconnection and emptiness. I felt so lost and confused as if I was falling into an abyss of uncertainty in my marriage, my relationship with myself, my family and everyone around.  The isolation and disconnection was eating me up inside. It was also a buildup of small, unnoticed fractures in my soul, ignored and neglected for too long. I had been running on autopilot for years, pushing through life without ever really pausing to check in with myself, to listen to what I truly needed. I had been chasing external validation, keeping myself distracted, while avoiding any uncomfortable feeling that, over time, grew louder. This was the hardest time of my life coz I was forced to confront the parts of me that had been hidden, neglected, or denied for so long. It was  painful and uncomfortable. But it was worth it. My ego was not letting me go into the unknown (the darkness) It didn't allow me to step into the unknown. But the unknown became my greatest revelation. I had been running away from the truth, Jesus said "The truth shall set you free" right. I didn't even know what that meant when I used to hear this. I had been following a path based on false beliefs and those beliefs formed false identity I had to look closely at the pattern of my life and beliefs I had built up over the years and how unhelpful they were. 

I sat face-to-face with my own shadows and integrated the darkness into my light. My biggest shadow was my FEAR of being myself, the shame and unworthiness that dictated my life. I had been building my identity on ideas of success, approval, and external validation. I was so terrified of facing those false beliefs which were only built on fear. I had been running from my own truth all this time so afraid of what I might find if I stopped to look inward. I started to ask questions that I had avoided for so long: Who am I, really? What do I truly want? What is love? What am I running away from?What do I need to let go of in order to heal?And taa daa ! those moments of deep deep questioning, and total surrender to the unknown is where I found the light. I found my truth, my true self and my soul. I learned that true healing begins when I face and embrace my shadows, not with judgment, but with acceptance and love.

My dark night of the soul didn't break me but reshaped me. I have both the light and the darkness within me. I am awakened to the truth of who I am and what truly matters. And through it all, I learned that the light I was seeking wasn't something outside of me but always inside of me, waiting to be rediscovered. Isn't this what everyone is seeking too? Our light!